In my work, particularly with young people, I often encounter a sense of aimlessness, a lack of direction that leaves them feeling lost. While many parents strive to guide their children, the reality of single-parent households and increased time spent alone presents unique challenges. Navigating personal success, at any age, in today’s world requires a fresh perspective. I see men and women in their forties still grappling with their purpose, searching for the right path. In my experience, many common beliefs about achieving success are simply fallacies.
We often work tirelessly, striving to do the “right” things, yet struggle to achieve the success we desire. The core issue lies in a lack of understanding of “how” to be successful.
Defining Success: It’s More Than Just Money
The very definition of success is deeply personal, yet many people don’t even know where to begin in defining it for themselves. The pervasive belief that money equates to success is a dangerous oversimplification. While financial freedom is undoubtedly one form of success, other equally important, if not more important, aspects exist. Happiness within oneself and in one’s relationships is often considered far more valuable than mere financial gain.
The Elusive Quest for Self-Understanding
I often observe a distressing level of dysfunction within families, a disconnect that seems to create invisible barriers between individuals. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never fully understand myself. But what does complete self-understanding even mean? If we were to truly grasp our essence, could we even articulate it? Many believe that they will eventually understand their purpose and what truly defines them. While there’s truth to this, for example, recognizing a preference for law over medicine, how can we ever achieve complete self-understanding? Aren’t we constantly evolving throughout life? We can only hope to grasp the broad strokes of how our thought processes have developed over time.
The Impact of Early Programming
In my journey, I realized that my thoughts and actions were shaped by the “training” I received as a child and young adult. As I’ve mentioned before, the morals and principles we internalize early in life act like a computer program, influencing every decision we make—from love and family to business and social interactions. The key for me was to uncover what made me tick. I don’t believe I will ever fully understand every nuance of my thought process, and I suspect that’s true for most of us. Trying to do so can feel like a futile exercise. However, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand the basics. Understanding oneself and the people around oneself is a foundational factor for success in life.
The Ego’s Unquenchable Thirst
Eckhart Tolle, in his book A New Earth, explores the concept of the “ego state.” He argues that the ego is perpetually unsatisfied, a survival mechanism that constantly resets the bar, demanding more. Any fleeting satisfaction is quickly replaced with feelings of anxiety and inadequacy, a phenomenon that plagues both the highly successful and those with more modest achievements.
Tolle states that the ego identifies with having, but its satisfaction is short-lived, concealing a deep-seated sense of incompleteness and the feeling of “not enough.” The ego essentially whispers, “I am not enough yet.” This insightful book draws upon the wisdom of various historical religions. My point is not to discourage ambition, but to highlight that external achievements are not the ultimate solution we seek. Tolle argues that no external content will satisfy you as long as the egoic structure remains in place. No matter what you have or get, your happiness will not be long-lasting.
While I mostly agree with Tolle’s general premise on the ego, I don’t agree with it in total. Achievement and success, whether financial or in other areas, can bring satisfaction. The key is to understand your goals, to align with your purpose, and realize that material items alone won’t bring you ultimate satisfaction.
Overcoming the Victim Mentality
Of particular significance to me is the concept of victimhood. As Tolle writes, a common egoic role is that of the victim, seeking sympathy, pity, or attention for their problems. Seeing oneself as a victim fuels patterns like complaining, feeling offended, and outrage.
This sense of victimhood has become increasingly prevalent in today’s society. In many ways, the more victimized one is perceived to be, the more standing one gains. This is a reversal of traditional values. Now, sympathy for perceived wrongs often lends credibility in the victim-driven landscape of our political and social systems.
I refuse to be a victim. I will only allow myself to be a victim if that is the true circumstance. Anyone who has suffered abuse of any kind must acknowledge what has occurred.
Embracing Responsibility and Finding Purpose: Lessons from Viktor Frankl
I deeply admire Viktor Frankl, whose story is one of extraordinary bravery. In 1946, shortly after his liberation from a Nazi concentration camp, he wrote his influential book, Man’s Search for Meaning. In it, he reflects on his own experiences and the suffering of his fellow prisoners, articulating several key principles.
First and foremost, he emphasizes taking responsibility for one’s life. He famously wrote, “Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way.” Despite the horrific atrocities he endured, he refused to relinquish control over his inner attitude. He believed that taking full responsibility for oneself, irrespective of external circumstances, is the key to inner freedom.
Frankl observed that every day, every hour, we are faced with the opportunity to choose whether to submit to powers that threaten to rob us of our inner freedom, or to maintain our dignity and resist becoming a mere plaything of circumstance.
He also believed that happiness cannot be pursued directly, but must be allowed to emerge as a byproduct of dedication to a cause greater than oneself.
In a nutshell, purpose is the conduit to achieving success, not success itself. There must be a purpose in your life, a driving force. My purpose is the law, and how I can help others by applying it.
